PVC Pipes and Gerbils Straight Outta Hawthorne: A Cautionary Tale (NSFW)

This is a first on Two-Wheeled Tourist...a post that I will warn you in advance may not be suitable for prying eyes at work. Considering that I'm now on the sixth year of this blog, I've pretty much thrown caution to the wind to a certain extent when it comes to what I decide to write about on here. I will have to admit though, this made my pre-hockey game dinner on a breezy Friday night in El Segundo quite hilarious as the final part of this story this went down while I was in between bites of grilled catfish, rice, and zucchini at California Fish Grill and reading through Fifty Shades Freed.

So allow me to place some context on this story. I returned to online dating several months ago and so far, I've had my share of small successes and busts. I've met some interesting people and quite a few jerks. I had been out of the dating game long enough that I forget that many use the anonymity of what I call the "online curtain" as an opportunity to simply be disgusting as it's very easy to appear and disappear with no consequence.

Many of those types of messages I usually receive I'll avoid, block, and forget. However, after receiving several messages from this user from the pits of Hawthorne, CA who had several inappropriate, probing questions about my derriere - the pun was intentional. I figured it was a good day to throw the verbal ax at him and humor myself at the same time. (I will be nice and not reveal his identity...unless you ask me directly.)


As I had touched on in the previous paragraph, this particular user was more concerned with performing certain acts my rear end than to say, my hobbies outside of work or how I liked my coffee. I shot him down very early in the morning whilst in the middle of several cups of coffee and a crepe. He came back for more. I shot him down again.

First off, you sir, are just gross. Second, that's no way to talk to lady who's actually using this service to meet up with men who actually want to date seriously.

Of course, he had to ask me "just one last question." And so I prepared the railing...

Now, you might want to ask why I didn't just block this guy from the get go? It all goes back to the idea of the "online curtain." If he can do describe these depraved acts freely, why couldn't I use this as writing practice and formulate the ultimate comeback?

That brings me to strike three: this person just decided to cross a slightly irate, somewhat bored, twisted English Language/Lit major with a blog who has enough time to formulate horrendous responses, and was more than ready to let you have it.

So I waited for his next question with my thumbs at the ready on my smartphone.

[cue the finale of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture here...]

Now, as a veteran of a long-term relationship, I am a firm believer in reciprocity and fairness as much as logically possible. I mean, people aren't psychics and it's necessary to establish a certain level of communication to gain enough trust with the other person. Also, I am one who will go the extra mile for someone who is worth the effort.

For example, let's go back to the topic of gerbils. According to the CA Code of Regulations, Title 14, Section 671, gerbils are illegal to import or possess as pets in California. I mean, I was even willing enough to challenge legality to satisfy this guy's needs. PVC pipes are quite legal to acquire in all 50 states and available in multiple sizes depending on personal preference. I'm one for above average length and width; it adds to the pleasure...mine, not his. And I am a very giving person in that aspect.

[If you want to know what a tabo is, click here.]

This boy is missing out on a lot of things by being juvenile and gross, such as finding an intelligent woman with a wicked sense of humor, a thorough knowledge of inventory at Home Depot with retail store experience to boot, and most especially, an impromptu trip to the ER courtesy of a cute, fuzzy illegally imported rodent burrowing up his rectum. Did I mention that I can cook a mean catfish? Not that I'd want a person like that pervert...oh hell no.

Hopefully, this entire blog post is taken with levity and a grain of salt. Seriously, I wouldn't know the first step in properly preparing the gluteus area for small animal insertion. That's something for those people who shoot those "special" movies in the San Fernando Valley.

But really, I believe real men exist out there; I'm still waiting for the right one to come around for me. A word of warning to the boys out there...be careful what you say to me on a dating site unless you like the imagery of bootleg DVD stacks nestled in that area of your body. Yep, it's that kind of party. Happy hunting.